Five Things to Try When the Dryer in Your Building Won't Start

...when it’s filled with wet jeans and you’ve given it your last three quarters and the damn quarter tray is stuck half in/half out:

1. Try to hammer the quarter tray back out while chanting, “Piece of shit, piece of shit, piece of shit."

2. Tilt it, as you would a recalcitrant pinball machine. If a gentle nudge doesn’t work, lift one side of the dryer up high, using your legs and not your back to avoid injury. Then drop it hard, secretly hoping it breaks and the building owner will have to buy a new one.

3. Paint a blue dot on your forehead using Tide with bleach alternative.  Raise your right hand and solemnly swear that you’ll switch to an environmentally friendly laundry soap if the thing will just fricking start.

4. Sit on top of it, then hop on your ass, as it were, pounding the dusty white surface with your butt.

5. After you've successfully dislodged the quarter tray, ask your neighbor for more quarters, trying not to think about how you keyed their car when they blocked your parking space that one time.